All signs of spring are present and then….it snows.

It has been a while since my last update on my blog. So much to process I guess. Since I’ve been hibernating for months, when I get a little window of energy or a state of being in less pain I want to spend that time in the presence of people so blogging, which doesn’t come easy for me to begin with, isn’t my first priority. So a month and a half ago I finished the last chemo treatment. Post chemo I am dealing with painful joints throughout my body and learning to deal with the fatigue that will plague me for a while. I am VERY thankful to be done with chemo but it was a tearful goodbye to the staff at the Allan Blair Cancer Centre; I appreciated them so much. Back in December I had a CT scan done halfway through my treatments that showed all the cancer growths were gone so I was anticipating the same outcome from my CT scan done at the completion of my chemo. It is spring now and you know how it feels to have shed those bulky jackets? It is a kind of liberating freedom to walk outside with no jacket or at least a thin jacket on. The grass is turning green here and there are buds on the trees. That smell that accompanies the first spring rain signals that it is time to welcome the new season; a fresh start! Well, that was my mindset in going through the motions of the post chemo CT scan. I was ready to welcome a new season; a fresh start. My doctor explained that the recent CT scan confirmed that all the original cancer growths were indeed gone, YAY, but it also showed a new site in my hip area that looks like a cancerous lesion on my bone...it started to snow on my “spring” day. I don’t know what the next step will be but I do know the Lord is in control. I am thankful and have been given this peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil 4:7) and I know, without a doubt, it is from the Lord. Really, this life on earth is not permanent and it is times like this that I’m reminded of that. This “snowy” day has reminded me that life this side of heaven isn’t the goal or final destination for any of us. As I read in Galatians 1:3-5 this morning, “Grace to you and peace from God our Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for our sins, that He might deliver us out of this present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father, to whom be the glory forevermore. Amen.”, I thanked God that I have been given the gift of faith to know and believe that I’ve been delivered out of this present age. I have this and all the truths in His word so I do not lose heart. Though my outer self is wasting away, my inner self is being renewed by these truths day by day. (2 Cor 4:16) I must seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God and set my mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. (Col 3:1-2) By His grace and mercy, with a thankful heart, I’ll be able to do just that as this season of life continues. I pray that I will lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and run with endurance the race that is set before me, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of my faith, because of Him I have a true joy that is set before me.(Heb 12:1-2) Thank you for your prayers.

Perspective from both sides of the fence.

Over the years I’ve seen people I care about deal with illnesses; one being cancer. Some are still here today and others are not. As I saw their pain and struggle I was heavy hearted for them and wanted to help any way I could. I remember being nervous about what to say or do. When I did make an effort to reach out to them I was nervous it wasn’t the right thing to say or do. I longed for them to indicate as to how I could help and support them. I fretted when I didn’t hear anything from them and I certainly didn’t want to be bothering them. Sometimes I would send an email or text and not hear back right away or at all. I knew they were dealing with so much and didn’t hold it against them but I couldn’t help but wonder if I was helping or hindering. It is a helpless feeling to be the one watching someone you care about suffer. Now I am on the other side of the fence and I am the one with cancer. I receive texts and emails which I know have been sent with much care and concern for me. Some of the same information on how to deal with and treat cancer that I had sent to people I cared about is now being sent to me. Loving people have been praying and supporting us in every way possible. I am so thankful. On this side of the fence I can confidently say that though I may not respond to every text or email promptly or at all sometimes (blaming chemo brain here), every single effort is appreciated and cherished; not ONE goes unnoticed. You have made a difference in this season. There are days when every bit of energy and focus goes into fighting the physical, mental and spiritual battles. I am so thankful to everyone who has showed their love in various ways. You can be sure the Lord knows and sees your efforts to care and reach out. He also knows the silent prayer warriors who are carrying us to Him regularly. I am thankful for perspective from both sides of the fence and I pray I can use what I’ve been taught through this to be a better support and reach out to others both today and in the days to come. I am not saying I’ve arrived but I am still learning and thankful for my faithful Teacher and His daily lessons which equip to press on. My second last chemo is in a couple of days…these last ones seem to pack a harder punch and bouncing back isn’t happening quite so quickly or easily. Prayers appreciated. (((hugs))) and love to you all. Philippians 3:12-14 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Two Thirds Done!

I know it has been a while since my last post but there has been so much to process. After my first two chemo regimes I was not only having the “regular” side effects but I was also having a severe allergic reaction. My oncologist consulted with other oncologists both in Regina and Saskatoon and I guess there had only been one other patient who had a similar severe reaction and it ended in death for that patient. It was a unanimous decision on the part of the oncologists that I was at risk of the same result if they continued so they changed my chemo regime. I have had two treatments of this new regime now and no allergic reaction just the normal side effects. I am so thankful for the Lord’s intervention in giving wisdom to my oncologist to investigate on my behalf. Some additional news is that just before Christmas a contrast dye CT scan showed that the three areas of concern are clear of cancer now. My oncologist wants to finish off the rest of the chemo treatments just to be sure. Going into Christmas we already had plans in place to celebrate but getting the CT results three days before Christmas day made celebrating even sweeter. My thoughts as of late keep being drawn to Scripture that describes a potter and his clay.(Jerimiah 18:1-6 and Romans 9:14-24) He is the Potter; I am the clay. As I reflect on years past and how much has changed in my life I take great comfort in knowing He is in complete control. A potter uses his own hands to form the clay and also chooses tools to incorporate for shaving and adding design to the vessel of His making. I believe the cancer is a tool the Lord has chosen for this season to shape this vessel. I am thankful. Romans 9:17 “For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, for this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show My power in you, and that My name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” I can trust that that the Lord has raised up the cancer in my body and now also taken it away. It is also my prayer that through this He might show His power in and over me, that His name might be proclaimed because of it. To Him be the glory!

I have a living hope!

I have been trying to find a way to put into words what this past month has been like. Such lows...and such sweet highs; what a contrast indeed. Round 2 was not pleasant from the very start but I say this very cautiously as I know it could have been much worse. One thing I do not want to get caught up in is complaining or grumbling about what is happening to my body. The road to a bitter heart is paved with complaints and grumbling and I am guilty of easily slipping into that if I start feeling sorry for myself. I am not bitter at the Lord rather I am thankful for this hard blessing, trial and good work that He has prepared for me to walk through/in (Eph 2:10). I told a sister in Christ that I don't want to just survive but I want to thrive while going through this. I know that the only way I will thrive through this is if I trust in Him at all times while pouring my heart out to Him because God is a refuge for me (Psalm 62:8). Though I watch my body deteriorate I know what it means to have my spirit renewed as I abide in Christ through His word. As the chemo makes its way through my veins I can honestly say I can tell when it has permeated every part of my body as I experience the physical effects. This Sunday my Pastor/husband encouraged us to spend time in God's word and let it permeate our minds/hearts. I can honestly say that I can tell when the word of God has permeated my mind/heart because I see a change in how I think. I see an attitude of thankfulness as there is a renewing and a peace that surpasses all understanding that guards my mind/heart in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:5-7). If I turn to mindless TV programs, food or anything else (and I have) it is futile as such things only temporarily distract me from the reality of my cancer and leave me empty and afraid. Very often the Lord has used people to encourage me in many ways but primarily through quoting of Scripture to remind me of who He is and that He is in control. Please pray that I will be able to remember this when I'm at my lowest and in the midst of suffering. As I face round 3 I am encouraged by these passages of Scripture to focus on the bigger picture and consider this present trial as lasting for only a "little while" in light of eternity. 1 Peter 1:3-9 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." Ephesians 2:8-10 "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Reflecting & preparing for round 2 of chemo

As I've been preparing to be ready for round two of chemo I find myself thanking the Lord over and over again for His faithfulness shown to me in so many ways this past month. Three weeks ago I asked a friend to pray that I would not let my thoughts run ahead and think about the next round of chemo because at that time I was so sick and I couldn't fathom how I'd be able to do this another five times; the thought of it brought much anxiety. When the side effects started to ease and my stomach started to settle down I was so thankful for the reprieve. I will admit that I wasn't spending much time in the Word of God or praying like I wanted to. For a time it felt like I couldn't process a lengthy or deep thought or even articulate much of a clear sentence with the Lord or anyone else for that matter. I am so thankful that the Lord knows every thought and when I cannot pray as I should that the Holy Spirit intercedes on my behalf (Rom 8:26). Also, I know people were and are praying for me/us and it is such a comfort and blessing to be part of the family of God as we bear one another's burdens (Gal 6:1-2). Thank you Lord and thank you to all who carried me/us to the Lord in your prayers. So as I prepare to walk through round two I've learned some things and I thought I'd share a few of them so here goes: #1 - I’ve quit drinking coffee for the duration of my treatments to avoid caffeine withdrawal headaches after each round because I couldn’t stand the smell or the taste of coffee for a week following chemo. #2 - Swallow my pride and wear the depends underwear while spending up to 19 hours in three days in the chemo chair rather than be nervous about the "what if" scenarios because there are only two bathrooms available to 20 plus patients whose stomachs are as potentially as unstable as my own. #3 - A blanket and a cowl are essential comfort items throughout the entire time I'm in the chair so pack them this time Porter! #4 - Don't feel guilty about taking the occasional rest by closing my eyes and allowing myself to relax while in chemo chair; I was overly alert last time and after almost 12 hours of being in the chair on the first day I was extremely exhausted at the end of day one with two more to go. Well, there are a few of the things I learned from round one. Maybe too much information but I'm keeping it real. I'm so thankful that we have a hope that is eternal. It gives us perseverance through the trials we face while on this earth. Whether the cancer, chemo or some other event decays my flesh to the point of death now or in 10, 20 or 50 some years I know what the outcome will be for me because I know the Author and Finisher of my faith; the One who formed me in my mother's womb and for His purpose He saved me & wrote my name in the Lambs Book of Life (Heb 12:2, Ps 139:15, Rom 8:28, Phil 4:3, Rev 20:15) What blessed assurance I have. Oh to have the grace to trust Him more and more each day. I am praising Him now but I know that there has been periods of dryness and desert places in this last month when I did not. He has faithfully carried me and shown me that His grace is sufficient. Those desert times when I was not praising Him came when I was so sick that I could not enjoy common everyday pleasantries I was convicted and had to admit that my joy was misplaced because it was not rooted where it should be; in Him. Is Christ enough? I say yes now but when other pleasantries are removed it revealed an ugly truth about myself. My joy was rooted in Christ plus enjoyment of food, independence, the ability to come and go as I pleased, freedom to spend time with family and on and on it went. Joy from other things isn't bad or sinful unless those things are joy's primary root and sought after as such. Conviction of my sin and the ability to repent of it is some of the ways He has shown His faithfulness to me this past month (Heb 12:6). I'm so thankful that God is true to His word. 2 Corinthians 12:9 But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 1 John 1:7-10 But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us. Ephesians 2: 1-10 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ, by grace you have been saved, and raised us up with Him and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Round one done...five more to go!

Timing...God times all things and His timing is perfect. Believing and trusting in this truth brings so much comfort when things don't go as planned and are really hard to go through. My mind rests upon Scripture such as Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." My chemo treatments are administered over a three day period and will occur once a month. I'm to have six of these rounds in total. I'm on day 13 since the start of my first round of treatment. Till now I really haven't had the desire to write or even discuss the chemo, cancer or my thoughts as my focus has been consumed with keeping my turbulent stomach calm and coping with different side effects each day. My oncologist had warned me to be prepared to give my quality of life up if I did the chemo now. He was right but by the grace of God I'm coping. I want to share what has encouraged me over these past two weeks. Over the three days of the chemo being administered the Lord provided moments of deeper conversation & connection between myself and four women. They opened up about some deeper personal things and I ask you to please pray for them. One woman was receiving chemo too and she started to talk about having her hope completely fixed upon the chemo working. She didn't want to live like this anymore and didn't know what she'd do if the chemo didn't work. It is pretty grim to be sitting in that chemo chair and listening to the pump administering the "poison" into your veins and think that this is where your hope lies. It is hard to have any kind of long conversation as there are nurses always coming in and out checking your machine etc. and then you aren't done at the same time as your chemo neighbor but I'm so thankful for the conversation opportunities He gave. I was able to give this woman the gospel of John and a gospel tract and as she came over and held my hand I told her that I wanted to point her to hope that is beyond all of "this" (pointing at the room & then our bodies). The day before my chemo started I had an ultrasound done and it took twice as long as usual as there seemed to be more areas they were measuring. They also found another area that looked concerning. It was so good to have had this done right before we started the chemo so that we have an accurate "before" to compare the "after" to once my chemo is finished. I have had many side effects over these past two weeks and I feel like I entered into chemo hibernation but I'm hopeful that things will improve. Sometimes it feels like I take two steps forward and one back but despite the side effects I'm so thankful to report that the mystery lump that had first appeared on my temple back in March of 2014 is GONE! Also, there has been a decrease in the other two visible lumps. It was sooooo encouraging to experience this. I saw my doctor last week and she was shocked too. I asked her if she had ever seen chemo work this fast and she admitted that she had never seen results like this so soon. I said it was answers to prayer and she smiled. I'm so thankful for the hope and the confidence I can have that this momentary & light affliction is under the Lord's guidance and not one aspect escapes His control & knowledge. From the purpose of the chemo & its side effects to the chemo chair I'm assigned to at each treatment He is in control. There have been moments when I felt despair creeping in as I experienced the effects of the chemo in my body but I'm telling you that the truth of the good news, the gospel of Jesus Christ, floods my mind and dispels the despair and fear because He brings hope & the ability to look beyond this world and this decaying body. Yet I realize that for some the truth of the gospel is unknown and might be terrifying because some may not know the answer to the question; what does a good God do with wretched sinners like me and you? Here is the link to a good explanation to help answer that question. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXOWyjB7d24

The Elevator of "Promise"

On July 1 our family took a road trip. It was a hot smoky day and our destination was an old “ghost" town. Our plan was to have a picnic lunch, explore and take some pictures as the adventure unfolded. As it turned out, the only accessible part of the ghost town was the old grain elevator since the other buildings were in the middle of a farmer's field. At some point this location was used for a film and they had painted a new name on the front of the grain elevator. The word that stood out to me immediately was "promise". It seemed so timely because I was at a place where I was clinging to many of the Lord's promises to steady my mind and heart concerning the unknowns about my health at that time. After finishing our lunch we started to explore and our daughter Andrea started to take some pictures. As we got closer to entering the elevator you could see that the inside held very little “promise.” It was clearly in disarray, decay and destruction. It was dark and dingy. The air was thick and heavy with the stench of something that had died. The only way I could be at peace and enjoy being in there was if I kept my eyes focused on looking at the landscape outside & beyond the confinement of the elevator. When I started to look at what was surrounding me the peace quickly dissipated. As we stood in the middle of the debris we looked down and right at our feet were some baby birds. Three were dead and one was gasping for air and in the process of dying. I remember thinking, "What are we doing getting pictures taken while we stand in this dark place of death?" I just wanted to get out of there. It was soooooo surreal. There we were in the middle of decay, destruction and death and yet these sweet pictures were being taken of some real and tender moments between Harley and me. Once Harley and I got out of the elevator we walked giddy-like down the road and savored the abundance of the fresh, though smoky, air and the beauty of the open & vast landscape. It was so freeing to be out of that elevator and yet I don't regret going through it because of the sweet and tender moments Andrea captured with her camera. I think my chemo journey is going to be a lot like our encounter at the elevator of promise. Tomorrow I will sit in the chemo chair for the first time. It will be uncomfortable and my surroundings will not be pleasant. The atmosphere in the chemo administering room is somber and maybe for many a very dark place of decay with undertones of death looming. I'm told by many that though the chemo process is destructive it also holds promise; it kills the cancer that is killing me. I can't forget the sight of those baby birds at our feet in the elevator. Three dead & one gasping fighting to stay alive. Maybe that will be what the cancer cells look like as the chemo does its job. Of course I realize that those baby birds could also represent my healthy cells dying and fighting to stay alive and even if this is the case I am choosing to focus on & trust the One that will have total control & final say on what the chemo does and does not do to my body. By His grace & mercy I will endure and cling to the promise of His words Romans 8:27-28 "And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 11:36 "For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen." Oh Lord, please help me to stand firm through this light and momentary affliction of cancer and be able to look out beyond its temporary confinement looking to the eternal purpose and joy that is set before me in Christ Jesus while pointing others to the same hope. It is by His grace I can say that I am thankful for the cancer as He uses it to draw me ever closer to Himself. I covet your prayers. In His Care, 1 Peter 5:6-7 ~ Rhonda